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Survivor Experience

Sharing Their Experiences

Survivor voices need to be at the forefront of this work. It is because they shared their experiences with us that we were able to create this Toolkit. They often told us that it was important for them to help other survivors trying to cope with IPV and TBI. We believe that sharing their experiences here can meet two key goals. First, it offers service providers insight into their clients and can enhance their understanding of their clients’ needs and how they can best assist. Second, it gives survivors an opportunity to know that they are not alone. Both IPV and TBI can be extremely isolating conditions, it is our hope that this section gives survivors a sense of community and sisterhood.

Names and images have been changed to protect the safety of the survivors

  • Madelaine

    Madelaine

    Photo: Madelaine

    When my girlfriend was beating me up and I went to the police, they asked me all kinds of questions about how it happened, when, where, why I stayed and lots more. It felt like they didn’t believe me that a girl could be doing this to me and the more they asked questions the more I couldn’t remember things. They said I must have been lying because my story wasn’t straight and my dates didn’t match. Then, they said if it had really been happening, I wouldn’t have gone back to her when she said she was sorry. I got really angry and said some things I shouldn’t have and then, they put me in jail and said I must be on drugs, too. When I saw the judge, he didn’t believe me either. He said I wasn’t a “reliable witness” and that my story was “not consistent enough to rely on.”

    “They said I must have been lying because my story wasn’t straight and my dates didn’t match… It was a long time before I learned that there was a reason I couldn’t remember details in the right order.”

    It was a long time before I learned that there was a reason I couldn’t remember details in the right order, or that I got more confused and more anxious at each question asked, or that I lost my temper so badly. I didn’t know that having been beaten could hurt my brain too and that these things were because of that. It helps to understand what is happening to yourself like this, so you don’t think you are just crazy or something.

  • Aesha

    Aesha

    Photo: Aesha

    When I came to Canada with my husband, I couldn’t tell anyone that he was hurting me. I had no way to make money to take care of myself or my children and I didn’t know how we would be safe. My husband told me that if I told anyone they would take the children away and send me back to where we ran from. And it was my duty to stay with him and raise our children with both parents. When he would take me to the doctor, I got scared that I would make a mistake and say the wrong thing. When the doctor asked me questions, I got confused and my husband would say I had not learned English properly and he would have to speak to the doctor for me. I couldn’t tell them that I felt sad all the time and that it was really hard to get out of bed and take care of the children. I thought I was just tired and that everyone was like that. After I learned that I had choices and I didn’t have to stay with him, I was able to get help for myself and I found out that the sadness and tired feeling was part of having a brain injury from my husband hurting me. Now I am learning how to take good care of myself so that I can take care of my children and support my family.

  • Nicole

    Nicole

    Photo: Nicole

    For years, the doctors told me that my problems were all in my head… but they meant I was making it up. I couldn’t tell them I that my boyfriend was beating me up all the time and there were no bruises for them to see. They thought I was just trying to get drugs for pain when I told them my headaches happened every day and would not get better. They said I should get help for drug addiction and sent me away. No one asked me if I had hit my head or lost consciousness or anything like that. No one asked me if I was being abused. So I never said anything. Then, one day, I had to go to the hospital, because I was so badly hurt I couldn’t stay away, and then, I told them that my boyfriend had pushed me down the stairs. After that, they started to tell me about what was wrong with my head, but this time, it wasn’t about me, it was about having a brain injury from all the abuse. Since I learned about my injuries, I am better able to cope with things that used to really bother me and my headaches are getting better. I have learned how to manage my time better so that I can do more of the things I want to do and not have so many problems afterwards.

  • Gail

    Gail

    Photo: Gail

    I always thought it was my fault that I couldn’t remember things the way I could before my husband hit me. It didn’t help that people told me it was because I was stupid, or because I didn’t care enough to remember, or because I must be doing drugs or drinking. I tried to tell them that it wasn’t any of those things but after a while, I just started to believe them. Now that I know that it isn’t my fault, that sometimes my brain just doesn’t remember things the way it is supposed to, I feel a lot better. And I can tell others, it isn’t me, it isn’t that I’m stupid or lazy, it’s because I have a brain injury. Now that I have learned new ways to remember things that are important like appointments or job training, I feel like I can get back to moving forward with my life.

  • Sarah

    Sarah

    Photo: Sarah

    I spent 25 years with an abusive husband. In those days, you didn’t leave because he hit you. You stayed for the children and you tried to make it better. I couldn’t tell anyone. I felt like they wouldn’t believe me. My husband had an important career, he made a lot of money, we lived in a big house in an upscale neighbourhood. I wasn’t allowed to work, he said he wanted me to take care of him and the kids, to be there for them all the time. I was supposed to be the perfect wife, organizing and hosting dinners and parties for his friends and colleagues. It was my job to take the kids to their lessons and make sure their homework was done properly at the end of each day. When I made mistakes because I got confused trying to organize things or dinners were not made on time or when the kids missed an appointment or didn’t do well in school, he would get really angry and violent. I spent years hiding the bruises and smiling in public because I thought I had no choices. I believed him when he told me that other women were smarter and could do all the things I couldn’t and I should just try harder. After I finally decided to leave, I went to a shelter and the counsellor there noticed I had trouble remembering and organizing simple things. She started to talk with me about what I was experiencing and encouraged me to talk to my doctor about my past and the kinds of challenges I was facing now. That’s how I learned about brain injury from domestic violence and that many of the things that I have trouble doing are because of the years of violence. I’m learning how to help myself now, simple memory helpers and tricks to keep me on task. Little things that make a big difference! I’m looking forward to making a happy and healthy life for myself and spending lots of time with my children and grandchildren.

A Survivor’s Experience, Step-By-Step

Without adequate support, TBI can have far-reaching impact on a survivor’s life. If we take a closer look at one woman’s experience from the initial abuse incident through to her stay and exit from a shelter, it becomes clear how lack of awareness of brain injury impacts her experience.

The People

Katrina, survivor

Katrina is a 36 year-old self-identified female who lives with her partner of 15 years, John. They have a 9 year-old daughter, Samantha.

Katrina is doing her best to balance domestic responsibilities, unstable employment and childcare costs. Her money is controlled by John and she has no benefits. Originally from Eastern Europe, Katrina has very little family support as most of them still live in abroad and she cannot afford to bring them to Canada.

Katrina experiences daily domestic abuse (physical and emotional) and harassment such as extreme texting.

John, Katrina’s partner

John is a 42 year-old male. He has been married twice, and has a child from a previous marriage. He is Canadian.

John works in construction but has unstable employment. He keeps all their financial assets in his name. He drinks 3-4 nights per week and has a short temper, is controlling and violent towards his Katrina.

Nicole, frontline worker

Nicole is a 40 year-old front-line worker at a women’s shelter. She is married and has a young child.

Nicole has been working in the shelter system for close to 20 years. She finds her job satisfying and is committed to her work, but is often overwhelmed by the workload and lack of resources which requires her to wear many hats. She has days of feeling jaded and is aware she can sometimes come off as abrupt and “transactional.”

It is hard for her to find time to learn new skills and integrate them into her daily practice, but it is a priority for her to make a difference in the lives of women she serves.

The dynamic at the shelter shifts a lot – sometimes the women are very supportive of one another, other times it is quite volatile and requires a lot of de-escalating incidents.

The Abuse Incident

Scenario

Katrina is thrown across the room and John bangs her head against the wall 3 times. She tries to defend herself. She is dizzy, but not unconscious. She has a bump on the right side of her head.

Actions

Katrina’s daughter witnesses the abuse and calls 911. The police arrive and escort her and her daughter and John to the station.

Feelings

Katrina is worried they will take her daughter away. She is feeling fear, and extreme emotional and physical pain.

“It’ll never happen again, I promise.”

“If you just hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t have set me off!”

Survivor’s Recognition

Scenario

Katrina recognizes that her life is in danger. John has also threatened to hurt their daughter.

Actions

Katrina has decided not to return to the relationship unless the abuse stops even though she has very little friend or family support. Katrina has become estranged from her close friends, and her family is overseas.

Feelings

Katrina is feeling scared and unsafe, she has to get out before he returns home.

“He is threatening to kill me.”

“I’ve got to get out. I fear for my life & Samantha’s.”

Before Arrival at a Shelter

Scenario

Katrina doesn’t have her own money or safe housing and needs to find a place for her and her daughter Samantha to sleep asap. The most dangerous time for her is the first 6-12 months after she decides to leave because he is trying to find her in a state of heightened anger and obsession.

Actions

Cops call the shelter from their phone and pass it to Katrina. She talks to an intake worker at Women’s Habitat.

Feelings

Katrina is feeling scared, unsafe, alone.

“I need to find a bed and safe place for Samantha and I immediately!”

A restraining order is activated against John. He is held overnight at the station. He is scared, and desperate to take everything back.

Arrival at a Shelter

Scenario

It’s Katrina’s first time at a shelter. The police escort her and Samantha there. Katrina wants to feel safe, respected and a sense of dignity.

Actions

Katrina turns off the location on her phone and attempts to change her phone number.

Feelings

Katrina is feeling paranoid and afraid that he will find her. She isn’t thinking about her long-term plans yet, she is too exhausted. She hasn’t slept well for years.

“I feel judged.”

“I want professional care and information asap.”

John is released after 24 hours and tries to reach Katrina but she has blocked his number. He is calling all of her friends and family, tries her work number. He is angry, obsessed with finding her and knowing where she plans to take Samantha.

She tries her best to be empathetic and respectful to survivors and sensitive to their queues.

“I don’t want to overwhelm our clients with too many questions right away, so I do a lot of listening and observing.”

Week One at the Shelter

Scenario

Upon arrival at the shelter, Katrina needs professionalism, knowledge and information from FLWs. She isn’t looking for a friend or therapy yet.

At this point, Katrina needs help navigating the system – what her options are, where to go next.

Actions

Katrina is completing the intake assessment with the shelter staff over the course of the week, as she feels ready. She is recovering physically, resting and sleeping a lot.

Feelings

Katrina is feeling physical and emotional pain, and difficulty with trust. Her head injury is bothering her.

“I can breathe & sleep again.”

John’s restraining order is still in effect. The judge orders him to attend a program, but while there, he commiserates with other men in similar situations.

During the first week Katrina is at the shelter, Nicole must complete a series of forms and intake procedures with her.

1. Intake form One of the first touchpoints with survivors, where the top priority is their safety. It can take several days to complete depending on the state of the survivor.

2. Safety plan Created to ensure that the shelter has survivors’ emergency contacts and other details and/or documents

3. History of abuse form

4. Crisis Management

Staying at the Shelter

Scenario

Sometimes Katrina has impulsive behavior as a side effect of her condition, which is incorrectly assumed to be her choice.

Actions

Katrina is learning what her options are after she leaves the shelter, how to navigate the system (e.g., housing benefits, child tax credits).

Feelings

Katrina is getting really tired of the shelter. It’s inflexible, she can’t keep her normal schedule and routine. Her whole life has been disrupted. Going back home or finding a new place is starting to look appealing.

“How long will I be here? I feel safe, but it’s not my home. This place is chaotic & overwhelming.”

John has no contact with Katrina, but he is obsessed with finding her.

He is promising to change, is telling her family this, hoping they will tell Katrina.

“If I can’t have you, no one else can.”

Nicole doesn’t feel qualified to be diagnosing or screening. She calls it “dancing with the patient” – using her judgment to decide whether or not to educate her patients on their condition (where she suspects TBI) or suggest a screening.

Needs to maintain control, and shelter guidelines make it easier for her to do so (e.g., health and safety guidelines)

Exiting the Shelter

Scenario

Katrina is ready to leave the shelter for more permanent housing.

Actions

Katrina is setting up her new life: packing, logistics of moving, setting up a bank account, counselling sessions, new school
for Samantha, job interviews, medical appointments, reconnecting with old friends.

Feelings

Katrina is anxious about her new life outside the shelter, wants to make sure she is still safe, but looking forward to a new start.

He is trying to get custody (using finances and kids to control her) and uses her confusion and loss of memory against her to discredit her.

He is not physically with her but still has a hold on her life. He is insidious, like a virus.

Nicole tries to ensure that all the community and transition supports are available and ready for survivor.

The Snowball Effect

Survivors and caregivers speak about what they called the Snowball Effect in a variety of contexts. They talk about how systems (e.g. legal, medical, child protection, shelter) can take over once they are put into effect, so you start with one small thing in one system and before you know it, lots of different things in other systems are affected. They identify the challenges in trying to build a better life for themselves when so many little barriers roll together and become huge, insurmountable barriers and survivors give up in the face of it.

They discuss how their mental health is like a snowball rolling downhill, picking up more and more snow as it goes. They describe how losing self-confidence and self-esteem makes you feel worse which in turn makes you feel even lower and you lose even more. This video talks about these feelings, using the words of the survivors who shared their experiences. The infographics below are intended to help caregivers and survivors identify points of intervention… places where it is possible to stop the snowball.